my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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