Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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