I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
