I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
