We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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