just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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