I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
