dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
