he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We are two peas in an std pod
Found your dick twin last night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
