When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize