I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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