I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a hot homeless man
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
