So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
