There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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