How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
