what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
