Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
