There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
