why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
