to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
