if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
