So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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