God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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