YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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