Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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