In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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