If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
