I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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