cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
