Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
