Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
