Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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