I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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