somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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