Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
