No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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