whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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