if i can run in heels then i can drive
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
