Betty ford says i'm here all night
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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