I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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