3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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