Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
