I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
