it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
