just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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