I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
