you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sober January is a disaster.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
