Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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