no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
