If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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