Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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