I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
