Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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