I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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